I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
