It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
