i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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