you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
