i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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