i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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