I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i think i have two assholes
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
