my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
