Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
