there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
