Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
