My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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