He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
