i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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