I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
