She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
