So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
