dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
