Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
there is glitter all over my balls
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