Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
