You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
