I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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