mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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