My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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