How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Randomize
