Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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