Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
