Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Sober January is a disaster.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
