I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize