I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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