Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
