I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
