I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
