party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
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