I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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