I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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