he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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