Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
