you guys were way drunker than both of me
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
