you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
