i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
