She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
