there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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