I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
