Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
