then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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