I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
