Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
