Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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