I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
