Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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