I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he's gonorrhea incarnate
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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