i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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